Monday, March 3, 2014


I realize I haven't written anything here in a very long time. I'm not sure if I will for a while. I haven't written anything anywhere for a very long time. I've probably read close to 20 books this year. All of them forgotten in a matter of 3 minutes on my living room floor. 

Many things forgotten. 

A lot of aimless staring. 

A lot of disassociation. 

All psychological defense mechanisms I have spent a lifetime cultivating are gone. Not out of humility or epiphany, but because I have forgotten them. 

Not by my own choice. 

I worry a lot less. I care a lot less. 

Not by choice. 

But because "me" has been numbed. Blunted. Distorted. 

Each evening comes a new headache. 

Each night a different nightmare. But those started weeks ago. 

My blood work is normal. 

My EKG is normal. 

The swelling in my tongue has gone. 

The attempted IV sites on my hands and arms are a sickening shade of green. 

My CT scan has "no evidence of acute intracranial pathology." 

People say stress. People say medication reaction. People say adult-onset epilepsy. 

I haven't had an MRI yet. 

I don't think I'm going to. 



  1. Wow, that sounds scary, and stressful. I'm sorry you're going through this. It sucks when life throws us a shitty physical manifestation of things we are scared of in our head. Scars heal. The mind finds a way to accept or explain it away. I hope you find peace and health.

    1. I does suck. Badly. And it ain't over. I hope for many things. I doubt any of them.

  2. What Randy said. Sorry you have to deal with this. I really hope things get better for you. And soon.

  3. I am frustrated and worried for you. I don't know where you found the focus to express the above so well. As someone who never went to the doctor until something major and ugly developed (for me, it was when my warranty expired, at 39 1/2), I will only say this: Get the MRI. Get whatever they tell you to get, and try whatever they tell you to try. Joe has spoken.