Friday, October 25, 2013

Wanna Have A Beer?

I don't "blog" the way I think.  For the most part.  If I did, no one would ever read it.  Or if they did, they'd suffer through it.  Perhaps, skimming, skipping whole paragraphs, before they get so sick of it that they click the little X and go bang their heads against the wall. 
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Lemme tell ya.  No one wants to read your academic voice.  No one wants to read your preaching.  It's pretentious.  It's annoying.  Nine times out of ten, nobody gives a shit what you think about much of anything.
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They just want to be dazzled, moved, like a little kid playing with a kaleidoscope.  What if, instead of pretty colors, that kaleidoscope flashed multiplication in front of their eyes?  In the trash goes the kaleidoscope.   Same with your "let me tell you what I think about X in my most smarty-pants voice" blog posts.  
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I'm just as guilty as anyone else of waxing pretentious once in a while.  Usually, as soon as I am done writing it, I delete it.  The few things that actually make it through my bullshit filter and get published, I immediately regret. 
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If you know me outside of blogging, you may already know all my different voices.  My loudest voice I call my WHAB voice.... or "wanna have a beer?" voice.  You know.  We're just talking, hangin' out, chill, whatev.  It's all good, right?  That's the voice most people relate to.  And you can say absolutely anything you want to say, even the most academic of topics, in that very layman's voice.  Just ask Stephen Hawking.  He's the master of it.  
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Those who constantly feel the need to blog in their "listen to me because I'm so ridiculously smart that it blows my own mind" voice are the ones no one would ever invite to a sleepover.  Sorry.  But I ain't passing the bong or stealing my gramma's car or telling ghost stories at 2 AM with your pretentious ass. 
 
Don't fucking preach to me.  You're more than welcome to share your opinion, but don't hand it to me in a courier new, 11 font, professionally-bound research paper and actually expect me to do anything more than toss it in the proverbial blog trash in favor of reading Dolan and Gooby memes. 
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And if your academic voice is the only one you have?  Oh dear.  Well.  I'm sorry.  Only the chameleons get in to all the good parties.
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2 comments:

  1. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks that. When I have something I need to get didactic about on my blog, I always try to cloak it in something more... fun? entertaining? readable?

    My standard is "Is this something I would read all the way through as a reader?

    Few people seem to get that as writers.

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  2. Preach on, sister! lol No really. Preach on. ;)

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