Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Hey! Hey You! Yeah, You! Whaddya Want?

I don't know why you people keep coming here.  Wanting to see if I've written any deep, transcendental thoughts lately?  Wanting to see if I've danced with any big fancy new words?  Wanting to see if I've bared my soul in some morose, vestigial, thought-inducing lyrics? 
I have not.
I have written nothing. 

I absolutely hate the main character of both books I've started, even though they are both longer than the fucking bible, I absolutely HATE these people. 
I've found a way to fix one of them.  Which magically came to me in the lyric of a song my Alice in Chains.  And my creative blood sort of seeped out of my apparently weak and empty capillaries for a fraction of a moment. 

Other than that, I am cold.  All the time.  Freezing.  I have bruises in places that barely touch anything.  I am tired.  I am aged.  I have wrinkles in the corners of my eyes that beget the time I cannot slow.  

I have a boring job. 

I am trying to sell my house so I can move to the beach.  

I am trying to keep my 18-year-old son from doing anything illegal with his 15-year-old girlfriend.  I'm almost 100% positive he is smart enough to control himself.  But c'mon.  His hormones are only 18 years old. 

My dog is dying. 

And no matter how many ideas I have to turn my main character into what I want her to be, I have yet to open that file on my computer and do any goddamn thing about it.  

I have nothing to tell you.  Nothing to say.  Nothing head-scratching to bring to the table aside from the fact that my telomeres are shortening with every second that passes and there isn't a fucking thing I can do about it.  

I find my pleasures in putting my toes in the sand.  Watching the moon on the water.  Watching the tourists on the beach with their little fuck trophies and thank every god ever invented that my kids are 16 and 18.  

Actually, no.  I do have something to say.  I want to start a poll.  ill probably do it on my other blog.  But it will be all scientific and shit.  I see so many people my age just now starting their families.  And add to that the fact that I asked my gynecologist at 16 to give me a tubal ligation.  And add to that the fact that my kids only exist because Plan B did not exist when I got pregnant. (Hey, I'm just being honest.  I mean, I love those little boogers more than the air that I breathe, but they're lucky as fuck they are even here.) But. I really, truly, and honestly want to know WHY PEOPLE PURPOSELY WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN.  

My husband and I talked about this endlessly this weekend.  He kept coming up with answers that just did not satisfy me in the least.  In my mind, all of those answers were pointless.  Made no sense.  None.  So.  I want to figure it out.  WHY in all of creation (aha! see what I did there?) do people have the desire to procreate?  No.  Not procreate.  Be parents.  Raise children.  Pair-bond with some person who fits their version of "love" and create another human being they wish to raise and love and care for and feed and clean and house and spend money on for the next 18 years of their lives.  Any answer at all completely escapes my logic.  

But other than that.  Why are you visiting my blog?  Why do you care what I have to say?  I have nothing to say.  I need to get back to work, as a matter of fact.