Tuesday, April 23, 2013

A Touchy Subject

In light of the passing of sweet-ass Chrissy Amphlett, rivaled in my heart only by Joan Jett, I feel the need to talk about something.  Something most chicks don’t really talk about.

The ages and ways boys and girls discover their bodies are as varied as one snowflake to the next.  It seems as though, in today's society at least, a boy's process of physical self-discovery is not only expected, but condoned, and understood, and is as inevitable in a parent's mind as his eventual desire for a driver's license.  

The one double standard that is not as clearly defined and accepted is a little girl's process of physical self-discovery.  Mothers of daughters fret over it.  And quickly correct their daughters if they happen upon a chubby little hand shoved into her Strawberry Shortcake panties.  Even more misunderstood is that for many little girls, their self-discovery starts at a much earlier age than little boys.  The last thing most parents of boys would expect to inadvertently interrupt is their 4-year-old son jerking his junk to an episode of Dora the Explorer.  But if you have a 4-year-old daughter, you may already have, and did not even know it.  Well, not Dora.  But maybe Diego.

I am about to turn everything you thought you knew about little girls upside down (or perhaps tipped slightly askew?).  It is going to be explicit (or perhaps vaguely so?).  It is going to be uncomfortable.  The girl I am talking about is me.  And I am not ashamed.  You have been warned.  If you'd rather read something else, may I suggest This?


For many of us, our process begins as soon as we develop enough hand-eye coordination to deliberately touch our no-no parts.  

And that is where the raising of your hypersexual little princess soars light-years beyond anything parents are conditioned to expect in a daughter.   

Let's cut to the chase, shall we?   

How the fuck do you parent a little girl who had her first orgasm when she was 4 years old? 

On the flip side.  Let's look at it from your little darlin's point of view.  Do you know how scary that is?  

Perhaps it is better for me to illustrate this scenario with clips from the inner dialogue of a tenderly young baby girl.

4 years old—“WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT??!!!”  (Yes, tiny girls say words in their noggins that would make most parents shit their pants). 

4 years old (5 minutes later)- “OH MY GOD!!!  I DID IT AGAIN!!!”

4 years old (5 more minutes later)-  “Hmmm…. I wonder how many times I can do it in a row?”

----- Months pass.  Techniques perfected.  Ignorance as to her own biology remains----

5 years old- “Oh shit!  What if it runs out?  What if I can only do it so many times and after that, I’ll never be able to do it again??  Oh craaaaap!!!!  Okay, I’ll just do it one more time….. today…..”

6 years old- She meets a boy at daycare who explains that the word “fuck” means to touch tongues.  So, after fucking Trey, she goes home and tells her mommy that she fucked a boy at daycare.  Mommy flips her shit, only to discover her sweet little baby’s innocent mistake.  Deep breaths. 

6 years old (the next day)- “Mom, what does fuck mean?”  Grandmother passes out on the kitchen floor.  Mommy takes girl by the arm into another room and explains about penises and vaginas.  Girl begins to make a tenuous connection between fucking and that really cool thing she does with her no-no parts when no one is watching. 

7 years old- Girl discovers that if she imagines certain things while she is touching her no-no parts, that awesome thing that happens feels even better!!

8 years old- Girl discovers that she can control it.  Faster, slower, circles, up and down.  She discovers that she can deliberately prolong that awesome thing from happening so that when it finally does happen, it’s like….. HUGE.  She discovers 20+ years later that there is an actual term for that technique- “Edging.” 

10 years old- Girl watches her first porno.  She watches with vested interest, analyzing, taking mental notes.  Instead of disgust, she is fascinated.  And after 6 years of perfecting her favorite undercover pastime, she is finally introduced to the word “cum.” 

--- Years pass.  Girl finally adds the word “orgasm” to her lexicon.  And it is slowly elevated from just a super-secret hobby  to an Olympic sport.-----  

It is around this time that an idea begins to take shape in her mind.  A challenge of sorts.  In public places.  In school.  And so she begins to practice.  Wearing different kinds of pants, preferably jeans with thick inseams.  She tries sitting in certain ways in her desk at school, moving her hips in certain directions, so slowly that no one in the entire classroom even notices she is wiggling ever so barely in her seat. 

15 years old-  Girl finally achieves a scientific breakthrough that, if she were brave enough to admit it to the world, would have certainly garnered her some sort of Nobel Prize-  the hands-free orgasm. 

36 years old-  Girl is now the mother of teenage boys.  Absolutely nothing about their evolution from baby to a passionately sexual man surprises or disgusts her.  And she has never.  NEVER.  Not once.  Opened their bedroom door without knocking first. 

So.  In closing, I would like to say a few things to parents of little girls:

- I don’t care how old they are, they were created to be sexual beings. 
- Age means nothing in matters of physical pleasure. 
- It is a natural human curiosity to touch all of the parts of your body that make you who you are.
And nature- not perverted human beings- created those parts of your daughter’s body that make her feel good. 
- If you tell her it is bad- you fail. 
- If you tell her it is a sin- you fail. 
- If you refuse her questions- you fail.
- If you walk in on her, realize what she is doing, stand paralyzed with fear, and exclaim “what the FUCK are you doing??”- you fail. 
- If you believe this is only an issue for parents of boys- you fail. 

Whether you believe in god, intelligent design, secular-driven science, or nothing at all, your body reacts to masturbation exactly the way it was designed to react.  Be compassionate, not disgusted.  Be open, not repulsed.  Answer her questions if she asks.  Leave her alone if she does not.  And ever so politely suggest that she please remember to lock her bedroom door.  Misguided and misinformed speeches on morality and impurity are no different than any other social commentary that serves to cause our girls to be ashamed of their bodies.  

And THAT, my little darlings, is all I have to say about THAT.  



  1. I love this. I may or may not type a longer response sometime later, but I love it.

  2. I remember discovering the hands free method. Accidentally. I'll never forget that day. I'll also never forget the excuse I gave my sister for what I was "doing" when she caught me. "I'm exercising". And I'll never forget when a few months ago my sister told my entire family about the stupid exercise I used to do as a kid. And my nieces laughing at my sister's story (she suffered a sever head injury years ago, her memories sometimes coming back in weird moments without explanation). And my nieces asking me what kind of exercise I was doing. Nobody realizing what IT was all about. And me wondering silently if I should finally, at the age of 47, come out of the closet and explain to everybody what THAT had all really been about.

    We never move away from the taboo feeling when we're brought up thinking sex is taboo.

    I'm just glad I discovered my little world of joys at an early age...

    1. Exercising! I LOVE it! My mom caught me TONS of times, but I'm not sure she knows it. If she did, she never acted like it. I know my husband has caught me, but I'm not sure if that really counts. It's just more like, "K, either stand there and watch or join in, but keep your mouth shut, I'm concentrating over here!" I haven't done the hands-free thing in YEARS, but holy hell that was so much fun.

  3. This is brilliant, it should be made compulsory reading. We perpetuate the myth that it is dirty by pretending we aren't fascinated by sex and masturbation. I blame religion, it treats women like shit and says anything to do with sex is dirty. It's religion itself that is wrong and unnatural. Keep on writing the good stuff.

    1. So very glad to see you back in my bloggy place ;-)

  4. Good stuff, in every sense.

    Oh, the damage we do to little minds in full-on exploration and learning mode. It's sad.

    Good for you for turning that damage on its head and BEING who you are! A great lesson for all.

  5. I wish I would have read this a few years ago. My daughter is eight going on 16 and the first time I caught her humping her favorite stuffed rabbit I freaked! I assumed she had been molested and interrogated her for hours, when that didn't produce any answers I told her what she was doing was wrong and that she should NEVER do it again. I even went so far as to say that God would be watching her and he would be upset if she sinned. I am ashamed when I think of the emotional damage my actions caused.