Monday, August 20, 2012

Neuroses

 I quit smoking on April 16 of this year.  Cold turkey.  Flat out.  Even with a couple left in my last pack.  I threw it away and never cheated.  Not once.  I didn't use patches or gum or meds. 

I started smoking when I was 15 years old to impress a boy.  Camel nonfilters.  No shit.  Never more than a pack a day.  And I quit for both my pregnancies and during the time I nursed them.  

I was doing yoga one day.  Well, on April 16, obviously.  And the girl in the video said, "every breath is a chance for joy."  And it was just like that.  I quit.  Because I want lots of chances for joy.  LOTS.  Until I am dead.  Which also played a big part in keeping me quit.  The irrational fear of it, that is.  

But I am ashamed to admit that I have filled that vice with others.  Just as addicting.  With an actual physical reward response when engaging in them, and an actual withdrawal when I cannot.  

I chew an entire pack of gum every day.  Sometimes more.  That's 14 pieces of gum in a pack, my poison being Orbit Wildberry Remix.  I chew it.  And swallow it.  Every.  Fucking.  Day.  

And.  

I pick at the skin on my lips with a pair of tweezers.  Until they bleed.  Every.  Fucking.  Day.  

My lips look like shit.  And they hurt.  And I don't care.  I just keep picking.  Chris even tried hiding the tweezers.  I asked him to.  But then I found them.

I ran out of gum and forgot to get more at the grocery store.  So Chris went up to the store and bought 8 packs of gum.  

I don't even want to know what my intestines look like at this point.  I know human bodies digest gum and the "7 years" thing is just a wives tale, but there are ingredients in the gum that it takes longer to digest, and swallowing a lot of gum in a small amount of time causes it to build up before it has a chance to digest.  

I swear to all that is good and holy, if I have to go to the ER because of a fucking bowel obstruction due to GUM, I will start smoking again.  

Fortunately, if my lips fall off, I won't be able to start smoking again.  

But seriously, I will never start smoking again.  


Now I must go. 

So that I can continue picking my lips until they fucking bleed.

And obstructing my gastrointestinal tract.

This is such crap. 
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6 comments:

  1. I do that to my lips too ... but with my fingernails. Until I bleed ... and the pain feels so good. :)

    This is priceless:

    "I swear to all that is good and holy, if I have to go to the ER because of a fucking bowel obstruction due to GUM, I will start smoking again."

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    1. I'm glad I'm not the only one with the lip thing. And yeah, I know about the pain ;-) Same reason I have the piercings....

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  2. my ex wife quit smoking 3 times (staretd back every time) and did that with her lips too. must be a nervous energey thing.

    I'm glad you quit because you wanted and not because you had to. Good luck with it. That shows character to keep with it and you have a ton of that.

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  3. I smoked for 25 years and quit 2 years ago. I have only slid off the wagon once when I smoked 4 big cigars ion one evening and felt sick.
    The lip and gum thing must be about wanting to do something with your mouth now you aren't puffing away. I chew gum everytime I get in the car but don't swallow it. Whenever I get the urge to smoke I tell myself that the urge will pass in about 10 minutes. If I can ride it out for that long then I'll be fine. Maybe this will work the next time you want to pull your lips off your face.

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  4. My niece plucked all her eye hairs (eyebrows and lashes) until they were totally bare. This lasted years. She was only 15-17 then and stressed out. Poor kid. Kid's shouldn't be stressed out so much they destroy their bodies with involuntary nervous tics. I'm addicted to social media. It's killing my eyes. Every year my glasses need a stronger prescription. And I tend to drink. Almost daily. The almost is only because I do what I can to avoid drinking every day so if anyone asks I can say "No, I don't drink every day." It's a pride thing. I think. We do shit that slowly kills our bodies, and I don't know why. We convince ourselves because its not crack, or because it's not hurting others - it's ok.

    Plucking your lips with a tweezer? Not good. You have to stop it. Why can't we develop something like stretching or writing thoughtful letters to our family as nervous addictive behaviors?

    p.s. I also am very bad about toe nails. I don't let them grow, sometimes I lay in bed and tear them to shreds. I keep them covered in polish so it's harder to rip. Fuck I wish I didn't do that...

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  5. I quit in November 2011. I'm glad that I did, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't want to start up again. I'm hoping I WON'T. I really don't want to. I chew some gum from time to time, not at the impressive standards you're at though! :) Hang in there, try something else. I know that has to be rough!!!

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