Friday, June 22, 2012

Story Beneath

A mother cries for her child
without sanctum.
She cries for herself,
betrayed from birth,
Oneness with her kind broken.
Yet, a foreign heart
offers honor with grace
a gift, pure as life.  

  
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Trifextra Week Twenty-Two- "This week we're revisiting an early Trifextra prompt: retelling.  This time, we're asking you to retell your favorite book.  In 33 words.  Nothing like a challenge.  We are sure you're up to it."
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11 comments:

  1. It reads not like a book summary but like poetry. Very pretty.

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  2. I would argue that it is both poetry and a summary. A poetic summary? I love the word sanctum.

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  3. This is a poetic summary indeed; but I've never liked any of of those "-tum" words: sputum, abstractum, Autum(n) *oops*

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    1. They have their place, but it's easy to seem pretentious if you use them too often or in a way that sounds as if you're reaching. I actually agree with you here. I probably could have found a softer word considering I was referring to a young child. Children don't really find sanctum. Maybe 'refuge' would have been better. Or 'haven.' Or used 'womb' as a metaphor. Or stayed simple with 'shelter.' Or I could ditch the word 'without' altogether and found a smoother word like 'sans,' or emphasized the desperation by working in the word 'naked' somehow. I agree, though. I probably could have done better than 'sanctum.' It was late. That's my excuse ;-)

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  4. A gorgeous retelling of a sweet story.

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  5. This is a really pretty retelling of a story. You've managed to give us much more than just a synopsis here. Great job with the prompt. I hope you'll come back on Monday to see what we've got up our sleeves for the 33rd Challenge.

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  6. I really love this! Sweet and creative in such few words...

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  7. Such an interesting weave of words. I'm definitely intrigued,

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  8. I don't care for sanctum. You didn't ask me. I just noticed others commented on it. I wanted to throw that out there. Sanctum. Sounds like ikky body fluids. I love the rest though. I think I may want to read the book.

    p.s. first I'll go pull out some hairs from my toes (hahaha!)

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    1. See, THOSE are the kind of comments I LOVE! If my shit sucks, FUCKING TELL ME!! Seriously. Oh my gawd, I get so tired of the ego-stroking, you have no idea. I mean, if it's really good, fine. And usually, I KNOW when I've written something that is really good. I ain't blind. But if something sucks... shit... say, "Uh... this ain't yer best sweetheart... ya know..." Anyway.. holy hell I am exhausted....

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