Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Hot Momma

"You look like a baby.”

I glanced at the phone.  Raised an eyebrow.  Placed it back to my ear.  “Huh?”

“You can’t be my girlfriend, Aimee.  You look like a baby.”

Ahhh.  Fourth grade heartbreak.   A strange place for a girl like me to find herself.  The prettiest.  The smartest.  The best!

That’s what Mom told me, of course.  I’d not yet reconciled how superlatives work in a sibling group of 3, but my momma never lied, so she clearly knew what she was talking about. 

To make matters more confusing, I had a hot mom.  I could write volumes on the peaks and valleys of that, but in my current situation, it meant that the boy on the other end of my phone must be blind.  And dumb.  And stupid. 

I had a hot mom.  And she was as tiny as me.  She had dates!  She went to the movies with boys!  She was itty bitty.  Long, curly, brown hair.  Bright blue eyeshadow perfect and sparkly.  Skin a deep golden in an era when it was absolutely acceptable to slather yourself and your offspring with baby oil for a fun-filled day beneath unobstructed UV rays.   Needless to say, by the end of each Alabama summer, we were little white-headed baked clams.

There isn't a 4th grade boy on this silly blue marble who would dismiss a tiny white-headed baked clam as non-girlfriend material.  It's fucking blasphemy!

But apparently, the knucklehead on the other end of my phone was doing just that. 

Is it a testament to my bourgeoning ego that I did not tumble into the wistful, blue void of childhood rejection?

Perhaps. 

But with my mother as a guide, I was quite aware that tiny girls grow into tiny women. 

And tiny women get any damn thing they want. 

I was almost positive that I'd gotten the last laugh. 

Until I asked my own boys their thoughts on having a hot mom. 

Their response? 

“We wouldn’t know.”

Fuckers.
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3  a : low in spirits : melancholy
    b : marked by low spirits : depressing <a blue funk> <things looked blue>

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16 comments:

  1. Tiny women do get any damn thing they want!

    Not that I'd know personally. Sigh. That boy was clearly an idiot. And the image of " little white-headed baked clams" is so awesome. I call my little towhead "butternut" after the summer comes and goes, when he's all browned up and blondy.

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  2. Omg, I actually gave an "ohhh" laugh at the end of that. Truly, your boys are fuckers of the highest caliber.

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  3. I tell my 5'1" teenager this. She dislikes being short yet, she tells her friend who is a boy what to do and her father what to do. she kind of owns her personality, you know? you'd dig her the most, because you relate.

    btw, you're one of those mommas too. but you know that.

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    Replies
    1. Oh, after spending an afternoon with me, she'd feel totally different. It's a whole other world on the other side of high school, though. She'll figure it out ;-)

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  4. {snort} Love the autobiographical blue period! :lol:

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  5. sounds like someone has a sense of high and mighty there. i especially enjoyed the 'reasoning' and her boys' response at the end

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    Replies
    1. High? Not so much. Mighty? Damn straight.

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  6. "tiny women get any damn thing they want. " ---ha! Sure do! Thanks for the laugh, your boys' response was classic! hahaha!

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  7. This is WONDERFUL! I LOVE the attitude here:)

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  8. Thanks so much for linking up with Trifecta this week. And thank you for the chuckle. Trifecta doesn't get too many f-bombs each challenge, making them all the more powerful when they do roll in.

    I like your ideas about tiny women, even if I do feel a bit left out of it--being a rather tall one, myself. :-)

    Hope to see you back again soon.

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  9. Speaking as someone who's never reached the five foot mark I have to agree! Tiny women get any damn thing they want! Damn straight!

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    1. I'm 4'6", so yeah, I laugh when people who are 5'0" complain about finding jeans that fit and not being able to reach the blender on top of the fridge. Most people have no clue if they've never experienced being an adult woman who is the size of an 8-year-old.

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  10. I think any woman who "owns" her assets can get whatever she wants especially if it's sprinkled with a good dose of sugar. Being quite tall myself, then wearing stilettos, provides lots of self confidence for me.

    Classic response from the boys! Loved it!

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  11. Until I asked my own boys their thoughts on having a hot mom.


    Their response?


    “We wouldn’t know.”


    Fuckers.

    Faaaantastic!!!!!!!!!!!! X

    I used to ask my boys, "Who has the hottest mom out of all of your friends." They'd roll their eyes and say, "YOU!"

    They had to say it, or I'd kick their asses!!

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