Sunday, July 31, 2011

To Wit

This week is my first foray into the Indie Ink weekly challenges.  I've been hesitant to play along up until now because I didn't think I was good enough.  Despite the fact that they've published my shit three times already.  I just figured I'd fuck it up somehow and blah....blah....blah.....whatever.  So.  Now I play, too.  I'm actually not even sure that I like what I wrote.  But, I have it on good authority by someone whose opinion I trust more than my own that this is totally not gay.  And I mean gay in the most non-politically correct, offensive way possible.  I repeat.  This is totally not gay.  She said so. 

My challenge was from Head Ant "You wake up and the sun is burnt out like a lightbulb." 

I challenged Jason Hughes at Life & Otherwise

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and so it goes
he lies awake…..
    a hand to trace her absence
    fragile grasp of silhouette
    painting swirls of vacant curves
eyes across a window pane
through glass and pitch of black
chase the shadow of her ghost
    a tongue to taste her remnants
    lying dormant in the corners
    hints of rancor and restless heart
ears beg to hold, strain to savor
memento of her voice
and the sigh she whispered last
    her scent he inhales slow and desperate
    chai and absinthe linger
    trailing wisps of fading life
and so it goes
he lies awake…..
    her shine but a singular moment
    on the horizon
    of a shattered star.





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6 comments:

  1. definitely not gay.

    I have such a tough time with poetry. I can't write it so I hesitate to critique it.

    I like the imagery you've created of the man lying in the dark, desperate for one more glimpse, touch, feel of the woman he loves.

    At least, that's how I read it :)

    visiting from Indie Ink

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  2. I'm not a poetry writer either so can't comment on the construction. I thought this did flow well though with each stanza (is that the right term?) encompassing a complete thought of her absence.
    This was another incredibly sad but beautiful piece - the feeling of longing was very acute.

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  3. Chai and absinthe... I liked this bit of savory imagery. Using a poem to meet the prompt was a good call.

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  4. I really liked this. You had great flow, and the imagery is substantial and real. Keep it up as a poet you are. :)

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  5.     a hand to trace her absence
        fragile grasp of silhouette
        painting swirls of vacant curves

    Great images, I especially liked this part; thanks for taking the plunge,

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  6. My favorite bit is the last three lines. Really well done.

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