Thursday, July 28, 2011

And She Breaks

I am 34 years old. I am the mother of 14 and 16-year-old men/boys/children/things. My body is fucking falling apart. I am beating it to shit and it is rebelling. Sometimes I hurt. A lot. This kind of pain really starts to fuck with you after a while. It creeps into your head and scrambles things up. It makes you feel useless and worthless. You stay stoic so you don’t look like a whiney bitch. But all you want to do is crawl into a dark closet with a heating pad and cry yourself to sleep. You do stupid shit like ignore it, put your tennis shoes on and try to run from it, feed off the endorphins, get a couple miles away from home before the endorphins wear off, and BAM. Sucker punch to the gut. And now you have to run all the way back home. I’ve even started taking my phone with me in case I can’t make it. I’ve refused to use it so far. You can’t concentrate on anything. You can’t think. Sometimes, it even hurts to breathe. I can’t stand this anymore. I can’t stand thinking about all the things I want to do and be, but remembering that my body is failing me. And I can’t climb out of it. I can’t shed it. I can’t get another one. I am at the mercy of my broken body. And it’s fucking killing my soul. I can’t keep doing this. I fail to see the point. I say nothing. Except here. Except now. I am saying something now. I am angry. I am PISSED. Who the HELL would want someone like me? I’m fucking useless. I’m tired of people telling me I should stop working out so much. I should lay down. I should take it easy. I should eat something. I’m fucking tired of armchair doctors. I just want to stop hurting.



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6 comments:

  1. insomnia, anxiety, neck vertebrae crack, hand numbness, hand tremors, back ache, head ache, shoulder pain...i'm with ya.

    let's go get a massage and some beer

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  2. I hate massages by strange people I don't know. Weird, huh? It's always been a pet peeve of mine. I don't like being touched by strangers. Even getting my hair cut creeps me out. Of course, my husband will sit in the salon chair and pretty much have a constant orgasm the entire time. It's so fucking funny watching him. But yeah, if I don't know you, keep your fucking hands off me.

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  3. I am with what Aimee has said, I don't like massages by strangers.

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  4. Even broken, you're beautiful.

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  5. Considering some things that happened to me when I was younger, I never thought I would like massages from virtual strangers either. But I love them!

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  6. I deal with this every day. Some days I do hide. I just curl up in the bed with the covers over my head and stay there all day. Some days I get angry and fight back. Some days I cry. Some days I wish I didn't work where I did, or feel like I have to act like a responsible and perfect mom. Then, I could smoke a joint for pain relief. When I find the answers, I'll pass the info along. In the meantime, I'm sorry you're hurting. Keep fighting back.

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